A Truly Accurate History of Thanksgiving
Posted on November 22, 2007
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Image Credit: Proof that I am totally nuts
For Thanksgiving, I offer you the following accurate account of how Thanksgiving came to be. Most of you have not heard this story told this way, but that is just because the Leftist establishment doesn’t want you to know the real story…
The Pilgrims originated in the Holy Land of Jerusalem, but then Pharaoh ordered that all male children under the age of 7 be killed by locusts and frogs. This gave the Pilgrims an idea; the French are always itching to capitulate, so why not seek refuge there? At the time they did not realize that France was being over run by “Youths” from a “Broad strata” of society, but once they realized this, they needed to find a new homeland.
They set out on the Santa Maria and the Titanic to head to America to make their new lives. The Titanic came upon an iceberg. Commander Riker pleaded with Admiral Adama to fire the photon torpedos and destroy the iceberg, but instead, he sent an “away” team of men in red shirts to negotiate with the iceberg. Icebergs are not rational beings and do not negotiate, so the ship struck the iceberg and sank, passing through a wormhole, and stranding the ship’s crew 75 light years from home.
The Santa Maria landed at Daimler-Chrysler Rock to establish their socialist utopia under President Fidel Castro. This was not conducive to surviving harsh winters and malaria infected summers. Castro outsourced all maize production and customer assistance to India. For the Pilgrims to get so much as an ear of corn, they had to spend hours on the phone with an Indian named “Bob” or “Fred” attempting to decipher the broken English of the sales representative.
After some time passed, the Pilgrims tired of their experiment with communism, and rejected the notion. I’m certain that it went something like this:
“Dude, I am so sick of you hording my granola. That was my granola. I went on a four hour hike to collect all those berries and nuts.”
“Easy Brah. We share here.”
“You offer nothing to share, Brah.”
“Harsh.”
And so it was that the Pilgrims were freed from the repressive shackles of communism. They celebrated by eating a murdered Turkey. They even invited the foreign Indians, because they needed someone to bring the corn. I think the guy said his name was Joe.
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