Some people go to college with high hopes and fantastic ambitions. Not me. I just wanted to live at home without getting a job.

It was Freshman year, and all the fraternities were accepting pledges, but one fraternity stood out from all the rest. Alfalfa House had a real reputation.

I can honestly say it was far from a rare experience to show up to class, still bleary eyed from the previous night’s festivities. Those Babylon 5 marathons were legendary.

There’s nothing in the world like pledging for Alfalfa House. Like the time they made us stay up for 72 hours straight playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. And who could forget the time we burnt the popcorn and had to make a new batch? Traumatic times like that really forge the bond of brotherhood.

Of course there was that memorable night. During a particularly rousing episode of Babylon 5, a raven haired beauty sat by me on the couch. I was painfully shy back then. By no means would I have been considered a “ladies man,” or “smooth operator.”

But it wasn’t long before all eyes were fixed upon the two of us with green envy. We were hooting and hollering it up, and soon others joined in.

It’s not like me to move so fast against a woman, but she had brought Magic: The Gathering and I was in the zone that night.

Before we knew it, the sun was rising, and we hadn’t slept a wink – If you know what I mean. And if you’ve never played Magic: the Gathering, you probably have no freaking idea what I mean.

I never caught her name, which is a shame because she left her deck behind. I’ll never know what became of those cards. I guess she just bought new ones.

Next time I will tell you about how I got the nickname Big Bacon® Cheeseburger.

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You should advertise on blogs, and here’s why.

• I have a blog.
• I would like to make money blogging.
• If you advertise on my blog, I will make money blogging.

Hmm. For some reason that doesn’t seem as persuasive as it did in my mind.

Oh, I know. It needs to sound appealing to the Advertiser, and hopefully that would be you… Advertising on my blog. There are Only 2 Reasons You Need to prove that advertising on blogs is beneficial to you, the advertiser.

1. Blogs are read by bloggers

Blogs are read by bloggers, and they’re pretty gullible. If you even hint at the possibility that you have something to offer that will make money online, bloggers will be clicking through, signing up, and unleashing a meme storm on how great your affiliate is.

This entire process will take mere seconds. That’s right. You don’t even need to yield actual results first, before thousands of blogs endorse your program.

2. Bloggers want to make money online

Bloggers want to make money online but most of them suck at it. So, they’re willing to whore themselves out to the lowest bidder in an effort to do so. Look at all the people writing Useless Pay Per Post Izea garbage on their blogs for a whopping five bucks.

Of course, it’s totally worth it to turn your blog into a repository of trashy sales pitches for half-price drapes. How could it not be? You made five bucks!

Advertising on Blogs is Great For Advertisers!

If you’re an advertiser, you can’t do better than to hire a less-than-minimum-wage slave to enthusiastically and loudly proclaim you’re product, service, or website is better than a cure for cancer.

In other words, hire a blogger. Advertise on blogs. Then I’ll be on easy street and Make Money doing nothing, like every blogger dreams.

Inspired by 7 Reasons you Should be Advertising on Blogs, via Problogger.

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What do you do when life gets in the way of the truly important things?

… Like blogging and surfing for pr0n.

I know from my own experience that trivial details like going to work, and spending “quality time” with the family can really put a crimp in the time I have available for blogging.

Ideally, we would all march into the boss and say “Take this job and shove it!” Then we would get home to the spouse and say, “Take a hike! I have important blogging to do.”

Alas, very few of us are individuals of great enough courage to do it. We admire such rugged individualists from afar, and only hope that one day to be that fearless. How can the rest of us weasel out of our meaningless “responsibilities” that stand in the way of our blogging happiness?

Employment tips

• Time management – Stop going to work on time. Get a jump start on writing a post for that day, or respond to comments.
• Assertiveness – Tell your boss, “Better late than never.”
• Prioritize – Spend more time at work blogging.
• Fake it ’til you make it – Explain to your boss that you run an important website.

With any luck, your employer will take your job and shove it for you.

Family tips

• Emphasize personal development – If your kid says, “Look Dad! I got an A on my math test!” Ask how that does anything to improve your life. Explain that you already know as much math as you need to.
• Go for a walk – If your kid gets hurt, just tell him/her to walk it off. I have never known of an injury that didn’t get better with a long enough walk.
• Lead by example – If your wife complains that the roof is leaking, tell her to sit where the roof isn’t leaking, just like you are doing.
• DIY – Tell your wife if she wants the garbage taken out so bad, why doesn’t she do it herself?
• Health – What? Are her legs broken? Walk it off!

In short order, you will find that your life partner has voluntarily taken a hike.

Make it a habit

Although these tips don’t outline what to do in every possible situation, they will set you on the right path to forming important habits that will result in more free time than you ever could have imagined.

You have new-found freedom

Now, without a boss looking over your shoulder, children continuously interrupting your creative flow, or a spouse to contantly nag you about silly chores or financial difficulties, you can blog to your heart’s content.

… In between surfing for pr0n and suffering bouts of depression caused by not having a real-life human sex partner, that is.

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In fact, I type so fast that it seems to defy all natural laws of the universe. Did you hear that? It’s a Sonic Boom, as my sausage-like fingers dance flawlessly over the keyboard.

I can manipulate the keys with nimble dexterity, and all the grace of a knee to the groin. In fact, thanks to the cosmic ironies of moving faster than the speed of light, I am now younger than I was at the beginning of this post.

I’m supercalifragilisticexpiali-d’oh! Fast.

Now, I know not everyone is a skilled enough typist to punch through their paragraphs at the blistering pace of nearly 6 words per minute, but these tactile tips should help you put on the path to computing competence.

To help with visual aids, I have hired the services of the best illustrator on the web (that I could afford).

Sit in a comfortable position. This should seem obvious, but I can tell you from personal experience that hanging upside down off the chair is not conducive to writing.

Use your fingers. While it’s certainly fun to clack away at the keyboard using your nose, tongue, penis, or various other bodily protrusions, I’m sure you will find that your fingers provide greater accuracy, dexterity, and efficiency.

Use both hands. I realize having one hand down on your pants is standard posture for Internet usage, and can be a highly pleasurable, however, by using both hands to type, you can more than double your productivity.

Practice touch typing. No! I said touch typing. You’ve already practiced touching yourself more than necessary. I recommend getting an inexpensive or free tutorial program to start. Anything that teaches proper hand and finger placement should be adequate.

No, your fingers don’t go there! I think we’ve already covered this.

By following these simple suggestions, your typing ability can go from suck to blow, as it zooms full throttle towards ludicrous speed.

Remember, the faster you type, the sooner you can get to surfing pr0n, and that’s really why the internet exists in the first place.

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For Thanksgiving, I offer you the following accurate account of how Thanksgiving came to be. Most of you have not heard this story told this way, but that is just because the Leftist establishment doesn’t want you to know the real story…

The Pilgrims originated in the Holy Land of Jerusalem, but then Pharaoh ordered that all male children under the age of 7 be killed by locusts and frogs. This gave the Pilgrims an idea; the French are always itching to capitulate, so why not seek refuge there? At the time they did not realize that France was being over run by “Youths” from a “Broad strata” of society, but once they realized this, they needed to find a new homeland.

They set out on the Santa Maria and the Titanic to head to America to make their new lives. The Titanic came upon an iceberg. Commander Riker pleaded with Admiral Adama to fire the photon torpedos and destroy the iceberg, but instead, he sent an “away” team of men in red shirts to negotiate with the iceberg. Icebergs are not rational beings and do not negotiate, so the ship struck the iceberg and sank, passing through a wormhole, and stranding the ship’s crew 75 light years from home.

The Santa Maria landed at Daimler-Chrysler Rock to establish their socialist utopia under President Fidel Castro. This was not conducive to surviving harsh winters and malaria infected summers. Castro outsourced all maize production and customer assistance to India. For the Pilgrims to get so much as an ear of corn, they had to spend hours on the phone with an Indian named “Bob” or “Fred” attempting to decipher the broken English of the sales representative.

After some time passed, the Pilgrims tired of their experiment with communism, and rejected the notion. I’m certain that it went something like this:

“Dude, I am so sick of you hording my granola. That was my granola. I went on a four hour hike to collect all those berries and nuts.”

“Easy Brah. We share here.”

“You offer nothing to share, Brah.”

“Harsh.”

And so it was that the Pilgrims were freed from the repressive shackles of communism. They celebrated by eating a murdered Turkey. They even invited the foreign Indians, because they needed someone to bring the corn. I think the guy said his name was Joe.

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My mom couldn’t do ceramics like everyone else was doing in the early 80’s. Oh no, she had to pick the world’s most noisy and stinky hobby.

I was the son of a parakeet breeder.

So I lived in a house that smelled like a zoo and sounded like an aviary. We had thirty-four parakeets but not one of them could talk. Studies have shown animals become more intelligent when interacting with humans but not the case with these birds. They just stared at me and make annoying chirping sounds. You can only say ‘pretty bird’ so many times before you realize the parakeets are stupid.

Breeding parakeets was like being a drug dealer. Once a week we would go over to this house, which was apparently the next level up in the parakeet black market. My mom would get all her bird supplies there. We never went to an actual store for this stuff.

The old guy that lived there would talk about the future and how gas prices were going to be two dollars a gallon by the time I was thirty-five. He had his predictions right about the rest of society; seeing a Trump-like empire in the parakeet market not so much.

Chris Cameron is a freelance writer with an odd viewpoint of life skewered by years of disappointment and alcohol. He’s kidding about the disappointment but you can read his other tales of humor and oddness at Angry Seafood.

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In 1492, Atilla sailed the Ocean Blue

Most Americans know almost nothing about Australia. I blame the American Public school system for that… And bad parents.

History

Australia has a long and storied history, that began when the Mongol Hordes pushed their way through Europe; raping, pillaging, and terrorizing. The invaders needed a way to get rid of all the undesirables – meaning Europeans – so they decided to ship them to the most inhospitable land imaginable.

You just try to endure the scorching sun, bizarre wildlife, and the incessant bleating of “G’day! See how long it takes before you scream in terror. Surely, Australia is Hell on Earth.

Since they are sissies, most of the Europeans died. The French surrendered immediately and unconditionally to their shadows.

Physiology

Those who did survive evolved floppy ears, elongated snouts, and a detachable tail that can regenerate. The floppy ears were helpful in channeling smells to their ultra sensitive snouts, which aided in detecting predators and edible food sources.

The gargantuan snout, or schnoz, to use the scientifible terminogoly, has millions of times more receptors than the nose of the average human. The tail was useful in evading hungry crocodiles. The croc would get the tail, while the Australian would make a getaway, otherwise unscathed.

Tail loss does, however, result in a period of disorientation, as the tail is also used to keep balance. This is an essential feature, as Australia is on the “upside-down” side of the Earth.

Science

Australians spend over two-thirds of their lives hanging upside down, in order to be right-side up relative to the surface of the Earth. Scienticians are not certain what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth, but there are a few plausible hypotheses.

Renowned German scientologian, David VonHasselhoff, has devoted his entire career to whatkeepsaustraliansfromfallingofftheearthology, which is Latin for, “the study of what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth.” The scientifible community likes to use Latin words for some reason. I’m not sure why, because Latinovia is in Europe, and nothing good ever came from there.

Dr. VonHasselhoff believes that Australians are able to remain earthbound by tying their tails around trees. This is possible because in Australia, the trees grow upside down.

Wildlife

Unlike the rest of the world, which is dominated by mammals, Australia is the land of the marsupial. Aside from having a gibberish sort of name (as everything in Australia does), Marsupials carry their young in pouches.

In 1948 a law was passed, forbidding Australian women from keeping spare change in their pouches, as it was resulting in an epidemic of head trauma and brain damage in Australian offspring.

Bonus Trivia

• Australia is the only country that occupies it’s own continent. With the exception of Wal-Mart, which spans across five continents.
• The Kangaroo Cavalry is among the most feared of all military forces in New South Wales.
• Australia was discovered by pirates, who were looking for a new route to China.
• The Tasmanian Devil is not at all related to Lucifer, but all other Australians are direct descendants.

That’s really all there is to note about the “Land down under.”

Considering my vast wealth of knowledge, I’m sure you would be shocked to learn that I am a product of the American public school system.

G’day!

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Image credit: Last weasel collection

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel. – Homer Simpson

Weasel is a grossly under-used word. It’s one of those words that just sounds funny, like goober, or spank. It can almost make you chuckle all by itself.

I think we all need to make an effort to use the word “weasel” more often. At first I thought perhaps we could use it entirely at random, like the Smurfs do with the word “smurf.” It could also substitute for profanity.

6 Weaselly examples of weaseling the word “weasel” into your lexicon

• People who fall for those “enlarge your weasel” spams must have weasel for brains. That claim is so full of weasel.




• Bend down and grab your ankles, you’re about to get weaseled in the weasel.




• Ow! Motherweasel! That weaseling hurts the weaselhole.




• Weasel it! The dog just left a huge pile of weasel on the carpet.




• Better stop talking weaselhead. If you don’t shut your weasel I’m going to punch you in the weaseling mouth.




• Aaaaargh! You kicked me in the weasel!




Now, none of you goobers better spank the weasel in my presence or there will be weasel to pay!

What other suggestions do you have for enhancing your speech with the word “weasel?”

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