The Ultimate History of Australia
Posted on November 12, 2007
Filed Under Humor | 7 Comments
In 1492, Atilla sailed the Ocean Blue
Most Americans know almost nothing about Australia. I blame the American Public school system for that… And bad parents.
History
Australia has a long and storied history, that began when the Mongol Hordes pushed their way through Europe; raping, pillaging, and terrorizing. The invaders needed a way to get rid of all the undesirables – meaning Europeans – so they decided to ship them to the most inhospitable land imaginable.
You just try to endure the scorching sun, bizarre wildlife, and the incessant bleating of “G’day! See how long it takes before you scream in terror. Surely, Australia is Hell on Earth.
Since they are sissies, most of the Europeans died. The French surrendered immediately and unconditionally to their shadows.
Physiology
Those who did survive evolved floppy ears, elongated snouts, and a detachable tail that can regenerate. The floppy ears were helpful in channeling smells to their ultra sensitive snouts, which aided in detecting predators and edible food sources.
The gargantuan snout, or schnoz, to use the scientifible terminogoly, has millions of times more receptors than the nose of the average human. The tail was useful in evading hungry crocodiles. The croc would get the tail, while the Australian would make a getaway, otherwise unscathed.
Tail loss does, however, result in a period of disorientation, as the tail is also used to keep balance. This is an essential feature, as Australia is on the “upside-down” side of the Earth.
Science
Australians spend over two-thirds of their lives hanging upside down, in order to be right-side up relative to the surface of the Earth. Scienticians are not certain what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth, but there are a few plausible hypotheses.
Renowned German scientologian, David VonHasselhoff, has devoted his entire career to whatkeepsaustraliansfromfallingofftheearthology, which is Latin for, “the study of what keeps Australians from falling off the Earth.” The scientifible community likes to use Latin words for some reason. I’m not sure why, because Latinovia is in Europe, and nothing good ever came from there.
Dr. VonHasselhoff believes that Australians are able to remain earthbound by tying their tails around trees. This is possible because in Australia, the trees grow upside down.
Wildlife
Unlike the rest of the world, which is dominated by mammals, Australia is the land of the marsupial. Aside from having a gibberish sort of name (as everything in Australia does), Marsupials carry their young in pouches.
In 1948 a law was passed, forbidding Australian women from keeping spare change in their pouches, as it was resulting in an epidemic of head trauma and brain damage in Australian offspring.
Bonus Trivia
- Australia is the only country that occupies it’s own continent. With the exception of Wal-Mart, which spans across five continents.
- The Kangaroo Cavalry is among the most feared of all military forces in New South Wales.
- Australia was discovered by pirates, who were looking for a new route to China.
- The Tasmanian Devil is not at all related to Lucifer, but all other Australians are direct descendants.
That’s really all there is to note about the “Land down under.”
Considering my vast wealth of knowledge, I’m sure you would be shocked to learn that I am a product of the American public school system.
G’day!
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7 Responses to “The Ultimate History of Australia”
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Do they have kangaroo courts?
(Dr. VonHasselhoff! HA! LMAO!)
Yes. Yes they do.
[...] seemed confused, and went on an anti–Swedish tirade. I don’t blame him, though. He is a floppy-eared Australian, after [...]
I’d be offended if it wasnt all true.
Pope Terry, you should be offended that it is true.
Haha!
Sir
I would like to challenge your ignorance for equating the ignorance of my fellow countrymen( and women) with your ignorrance.
As all cultured Americans know, Australians have a British accent which is indistinguishable from the English accent even though you may beg to differ.
The other point is we know historically Australia nearly became the 51st ( or is it 52nd state? ) after World War 2 When Gt Britain had no money and was looking around to see what assetts it could sell.
Churchill in a secret meeting at Yalta with Roosevelt bargained to let America buy Australia cheaply. Very few Australians know that ( Dont bother asking you great grandparents,they wont tell ya)
What happen was Roosevelt thought the country was barren land and not worth much. He offered less than was paid for Alaska. Deeply hurt Churchill rejected it and said if he had known he could have got a better price from the Japanese.
Speechless? I bet you are, This information has only just been released under the 60yr old freedowm of Information Act which the British Govt allows to pass before classified information can be released.
Sorry buddy to be the bearer of this news but we Yanks are a lot more knowledgeable that you think.
This would have to be among the least funny pieces of “humour” I have ever had the misfortune to read.